George Carlin is on my short honor roll of comedians who never sold out. I just discovered this clip, one of his last shows before his recent death, and it resonates so true and dead on accurate (remember, it was recorded before our current financial crisis and Great Recession) that I hope you will pass it on to friends and family as an example of what great comedians can do when they combine social commentary and black humor together. Carlin was a visionary. This clip is like a message from the grave for all Americans to wake up.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Happiest Dog In The Whole USA - Bailey The Unknown Reindeer
This video reminds me of my favorite Dalmation. Tara, this is for you, girl:
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Asking The Lord's Forgiveness
One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed
forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and
stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who
picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's
forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young
sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my
penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old
drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's
right momma, f*ck 'em all."
forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and
stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who
picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's
forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young
sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my
penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old
drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's
right momma, f*ck 'em all."
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Little Girl's Tooth Extraction: Fun For The Whole Darn Family (Including Sleeping Cat Who Gets Ready To Doze Behind Jump Ramp)
Move out the way ADA, as more fun and inventive DYI denistry becomes popular in the home:
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Moped Driver and The Ferrari Owner
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly...
Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the mo-ped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the mo-ped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the mo-ped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
An old man on a mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly...
Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the mo-ped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the mo-ped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the mo-ped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Governator Ahnold Tells California Legislature What He Really Thinks
Until Snopes.com tells me this isn't real, I'm going with a hat tip to Ahnold for playing "Acrostics" with his letter to the California Legislature. Anyone, Californians, want to verify the veracity of this letter?
Drunk Dude Dance At The Mini-Mart
This one is funny and sad at the same time.
This one beg's so many questions such as:
"How the hell did he arrive at the store?" Did a space ship hover by the gas pumps and burp him out? Seriously, how did he get to the store? It would have taken an hour or more to walk from a bar next door in the condition he was in. And if he was driven there, why didn't the driver come in and make the purchase?
"How the hell did he make it through the front door without anyone in the store not noticing his wobbly pinball entrance?" There was no clerk behind the counter to watch those near the register?
"Does he look homeless?" Naw, he's reasonably dressed. And he's not a dirtbag reaching for the Natty Ice. He's going for the higher priced stuff.
The attempted yoga moves on the floor in front of the coolers are cartoonish, and make me laugh out loud. But by the end of the video, I'm feeling sorry for the guy, hoping he can snap out of his stupor. How is it he never just passed out?
p.s. The attempted exit is priceless.
This one beg's so many questions such as:
"How the hell did he arrive at the store?" Did a space ship hover by the gas pumps and burp him out? Seriously, how did he get to the store? It would have taken an hour or more to walk from a bar next door in the condition he was in. And if he was driven there, why didn't the driver come in and make the purchase?
"How the hell did he make it through the front door without anyone in the store not noticing his wobbly pinball entrance?" There was no clerk behind the counter to watch those near the register?
"Does he look homeless?" Naw, he's reasonably dressed. And he's not a dirtbag reaching for the Natty Ice. He's going for the higher priced stuff.
The attempted yoga moves on the floor in front of the coolers are cartoonish, and make me laugh out loud. But by the end of the video, I'm feeling sorry for the guy, hoping he can snap out of his stupor. How is it he never just passed out?
p.s. The attempted exit is priceless.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hat Tip To New Website Link On Comedy Cosmos . . . Passiveagressivenotes.com
So a bit ago, I'm showing off two of my favorite websites, http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ and http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/ to a couple of co-workers.
One of them, said, "You gotta check out http://www.passiveagressivenotes.com/. I did, I love it, and above are four of the random notes you will find on the website.
Enjoy!
Honda Civic Ad . . . Sound Effects With Trained Choir
Human beat boxes, beware. This trained choir outdoes you all . . .
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
20 One Liners - Part 1
1.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
20 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
20 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Russian Forklift Driver Wipes Out Entire Aisle Of Liquor Worth $150,000
Here's what a chain reaction collapse of shelving looks like in a liquor warehouse.
Bad Roomate, Bad Brother, or Bad Dad . . . whatever . . . bad, bad, bad!
A perplexed Doberman Pinscher whose ears have been clipped is probably still working off some heavy drugs. Add in an evil roomate/brother/dad who owns a laser pointer which the dog is fixated on, and the next thing you know, ole Fido is biting down on a nutsack sandwich. I grimace and laugh every time I see this:
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Amazing Human Jumbotron
Just the thought of coordinating this many humans to act and react in such split second fashion boggles the mind:
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Boston Celtic Jumbotron Takeover By One Exuberant Bon Jovi Fan
Here's another exuberant music fan, singing and dancing without a care in the world. Look at the smiles, laughter, high-fives and hugs he gets from other Boston Celtic fans who share Jumbotron face time with him:
One Unihibited Dancer Starts A Huge Hillside Dance Party
I work in a country bar with a large dancefloor. There's a local Japanese sushi chef I've known for years as "The Pussyman" who hasn't a care in the world for what others may think about his dancing or singing prowess.
When Pussyman walks into our bar with his iPod (and sometimes acoustic guitar), our entire staff passes the word to one another and we all rush up to hug him. And the reason is he's so damn lovable. He always starts a party with his devil may care attitude to dancing and singing.
While a country band is playing say Gary Allan, Pussyman is on the dancefloor, iPod earbuds in, listening to "Linky Park" and singing along with what is in his ears. But at the same time, his feet are moving to the bassline and kick drum of our country band. Needless to say, his unorthodox approach to singing, and especially dancing, is something which can light a fire to group laughter and partying.
Invariably, Pussyman is usually alone on the dancefloor . . . but . . . after a few minutes or so . . . tourists who've been smiling and laughing at him run out to the dancefloor and begin to revel in his happiness. I've seen him enter a dancefloor alone and within one song, the dancefloor is packed with people who moments earlier were too shy or intimidated to even think about cutting loose in Key West.
What you are about to see is something akin to the magic of "The Pussyman". In this video, one lone uninhibited very white guy in cutoff shorts begins to dance with unabandoned fever on a grassy hillside at the Sasquatch Festival. Then another festival goer joins him. Then another. Wait until the end of this video to see how The Power of One can work in mysterious and jubilant ways in prodding a mass of people to forget their inhibitions.
This is one of my favorite videos of this year. It's inspiring!
When Pussyman walks into our bar with his iPod (and sometimes acoustic guitar), our entire staff passes the word to one another and we all rush up to hug him. And the reason is he's so damn lovable. He always starts a party with his devil may care attitude to dancing and singing.
While a country band is playing say Gary Allan, Pussyman is on the dancefloor, iPod earbuds in, listening to "Linky Park" and singing along with what is in his ears. But at the same time, his feet are moving to the bassline and kick drum of our country band. Needless to say, his unorthodox approach to singing, and especially dancing, is something which can light a fire to group laughter and partying.
Invariably, Pussyman is usually alone on the dancefloor . . . but . . . after a few minutes or so . . . tourists who've been smiling and laughing at him run out to the dancefloor and begin to revel in his happiness. I've seen him enter a dancefloor alone and within one song, the dancefloor is packed with people who moments earlier were too shy or intimidated to even think about cutting loose in Key West.
What you are about to see is something akin to the magic of "The Pussyman". In this video, one lone uninhibited very white guy in cutoff shorts begins to dance with unabandoned fever on a grassy hillside at the Sasquatch Festival. Then another festival goer joins him. Then another. Wait until the end of this video to see how The Power of One can work in mysterious and jubilant ways in prodding a mass of people to forget their inhibitions.
This is one of my favorite videos of this year. It's inspiring!
Friday, November 6, 2009
John Stewart as Glenn Beck: The 11/3 Project
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| ||||
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Female Whale's Problem
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I refuses to swallow the seamen."
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I refuses to swallow the seamen."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Jon Stewart Gives Sean Hannity History and Food Chain Lessons
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| ||||
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Rabbi, The Hindu Holy Man & The Lawyer
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," said the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change.
He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow...
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," said the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change.
He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Oldies but Goodies: Best of Headlines from 2002
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
........and best of all........
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
........and best of all........
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
St. Peter And The Man Knocking On Heaven's Door
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man
is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when
the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door,
sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears
once again.
A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens
the door and sees the same man.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying
to resuscitate me."
is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when
the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door,
sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears
once again.
A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens
the door and sees the same man.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying
to resuscitate me."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Is Sarah Palin Moonlighting At Fox News As A Geographer?
A poster on Twitter Pics, stefanoscalia, took this screenshot from a Fox News broadcast on July 27, 2009 and posted it immediately to Twitter @ 1:01 PM.
Perhaps Sarah Palin is the new Geographer-in-Chief at Fox?
Perhaps Sarah Palin is the new Geographer-in-Chief at Fox?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Colbert Remembering Remembering Michael Jackson
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| ||||
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”
7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”
7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Mistaken Intentions
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her
neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband
made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck
and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to
have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do
don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years & he wasn't kissing my neck ..... he was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline
in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you."
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her
neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband
made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck
and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to
have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do
don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years & he wasn't kissing my neck ..... he was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline
in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Name Your Kind Of Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,"it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,"it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thoughts About Dogs
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."-Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."-Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Talking Centipede
A man goes into a pet store and tells the clerk he's looking for a real unique pet. The clerk tells the man he has a talking centipede. The man buys the centipede and walks out of the store.
In his car the man asks the centipede if he would like to go to Reilly's Bar after he gets home and cleaned up. No response from the centipede. When they get home the man asks the centipede again if he'd like to go to the bar, still no response. After the man showers and changes clothes he says to the centipede, "I'm leaving now so this is the last time I'm going to ask you if you want to go have a few drinks."
The centipede snaps back and says "I heard you the first time, I've been putting my shoes on!"
In his car the man asks the centipede if he would like to go to Reilly's Bar after he gets home and cleaned up. No response from the centipede. When they get home the man asks the centipede again if he'd like to go to the bar, still no response. After the man showers and changes clothes he says to the centipede, "I'm leaving now so this is the last time I'm going to ask you if you want to go have a few drinks."
The centipede snaps back and says "I heard you the first time, I've been putting my shoes on!"
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad | ||||
| ||||
I found this video referenced in the New York Times yesterday where Op-Ed columnist Frank Rich wrote the following words in a piece titled "The Bigots' Last Hurrah":
WHAT would happen if you crossed that creepy 1960s horror classic “The Village of the Damned” with the Broadway staple “A Chorus Line”? You don’t need to use your imagination. It’s there waiting for you on YouTube under the title “Gathering Storm”: a 60-second ad presenting homosexuality as a national threat second only to terrorism.
The actors are supposedly Not Gay. They stand in choral formation before a backdrop of menacing clouds and cheesy lightning effects. “The winds are strong,” says a white man to the accompaniment of ominous music. “And I am afraid,” a young black woman chimes in. “Those advocates want to change the way I live,” says a white woman. But just when all seems lost, the sun breaks through and a smiling black man announces that “a rainbow coalition” is “coming together in love” to save America from the apocalypse of same-sex marriage. It’s the swiftest rescue of Western civilization since the heyday of the ambiguously gay duo Batman and Robin.
Far from terrifying anyone, “Gathering Storm” has become, unsurprisingly, an Internet camp classic. On YouTube the original video must compete with countless homemade parodies it has inspired since first turning up some 10 days ago. None may top Stephen Colbert’s on Thursday night, in which lightning from “the homo storm” strikes an Arkansas teacher, turning him gay. A “New Jersey pastor” whose church has been “turned into an Abercrombie & Fitch” declares that he likes gay people, “but only as hilarious best friends in TV and movies.”
To read the remainder of Rich's well written piece, click here. But be sure to watch the Colbert clip as it really zooms in . . . with great laughs . . . on anti-gay hysteria.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Real-Life Pac Man Terrorizes People
Be sure to click the HQ button for hi-def video when you start the video clip:
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Getting Even With An Uncharitable Las Vegas Cab Driver
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate
dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?"
"What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate
dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?"
"What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Stories From Doctors And Hospitals
Subject: True Hospital stories
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the
cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off
her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are
several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
*******************************************
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big Breaths,"
instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
*********************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."
***********************************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with
your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now
your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence--he couldn't even read
the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
********************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?", asked the doctor. "The patch." "The nurse told
me to put on a new one every day and now I'm
running our of places to put it!" The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see......Yes, the man had thirty patches
on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
**************************************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for
about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
***************************************************
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked,"So
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse
asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the
cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off
her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are
several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
*******************************************
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big Breaths,"
instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
*********************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."
***********************************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with
your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now
your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence--he couldn't even read
the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
********************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?", asked the doctor. "The patch." "The nurse told
me to put on a new one every day and now I'm
running our of places to put it!" The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see......Yes, the man had thirty patches
on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
**************************************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for
about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
***************************************************
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked,"So
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse
asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Be On The Alert For Bears This Summer Up In Wisconsin
The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising
hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra
precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as
little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the
bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear.
People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in
an area by their droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue
and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell
like pepper spray.
hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra
precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as
little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the
bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear.
People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in
an area by their droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue
and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell
like pepper spray.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Mental Geldings At Citigroup's Credit Card Collections
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late Fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she Died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange . . .
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges Still apply.
Family Member: Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.
Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!
Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?
Citibank: Excuse me?
Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about Her being dead?
Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.
Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still Apply.
Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?
Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew.
(Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?
Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)
(After they get the fax) Citibank: Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.
Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just Keep billing her. She won't care.
Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?
Citibank: That might help...'
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.
Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Does anyone wonder why Citigroup is financially insolvent without bailouts from U.S. taxpayers?)
Here is the exchange . . .
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges Still apply.
Family Member: Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.
Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!
Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?
Citibank: Excuse me?
Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about Her being dead?
Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.
Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still Apply.
Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?
Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew.
(Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?
Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)
(After they get the fax) Citibank: Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.
Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just Keep billing her. She won't care.
Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?
Citibank: That might help...'
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.
Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Does anyone wonder why Citigroup is financially insolvent without bailouts from U.S. taxpayers?)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Shii - The Wii For Women
You may not understand Dutch, but you will definitely get the picture of the new Wii for women, called Shii. The last feature for Shii is one that got it the "18 or older" ban on youtube.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Amish And An Elevator
An Amish boy and his father visited a mall one day and were intrigued by many of the strange things they saw...Especially the two silver doors that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked "What is that father?"
The father responded, "Son, I do not know, I have never seen anything like that in my life."
While they watched in amazement, a very homely old lady hobbled up to the silver walls and pushed the button. The walls opened and she went into the small room and the doors closed.
They watched the little circular numbers light-up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally, the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 25-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...."go get your mother."
The boy asked "What is that father?"
The father responded, "Son, I do not know, I have never seen anything like that in my life."
While they watched in amazement, a very homely old lady hobbled up to the silver walls and pushed the button. The walls opened and she went into the small room and the doors closed.
They watched the little circular numbers light-up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally, the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 25-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...."go get your mother."
Who Would Shakespeare Kill First?
A local United Way office realized that it had never received
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?!?"
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?!?"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Bumper Stickers
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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