Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The Scotsman And His First Baseball Game
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a line drive over the shortstop's head and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
How Ted Got Revenge On The Town Gossip
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence..
However, she mad a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic and mingling with prostitutes after she saw his pickup truck in front of the town's only bar and known for loose women.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all evening
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Australian Personal Ad
An ad found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals Section. This is good! I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted: A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me at......
The Musical Octupus And The Bagpipes
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.
Then Jim, a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off".
Was That One Word Or Two?
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
Food Court Flash Mob Sings Mendel's "Hallelujah Chorus" from "The Messiah"
I still remember the singing in the church where I was brought up. Our choir could have never pulled this off. This sounds like Mormon Tabernacle Choir quality. The high notes will give you goose bumps. As an Atheist and music lover, I pass this on to my friends, especially those who are Christians and music lovers. Enjoy.
Kevin Hart Delivers Some Words From His Mother To His Elementary School Teacher
In the comedy circuit, there's a lot of buzz about Kevin Hart, that he might be the next Chris Rock. Here's a funny segment where Kevin describes his relation with his Mom who told him to deliver a short two curse word message to his teacher after the teacher had sent home a message stapled to Kevin's chest addressed to his mom which said, "Maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn't be a fool at school." What happens next with Kevin's hot headed mother, the message she told him to deliver back to the teacher, and how it went down will make you laugh:
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"Too Big To Fail" by The Austin Lounge Lizards
If you frequent country honky-tonks, you'll know this band for it's humorous one hit song which line dancers like, "I'm A Cowboy". Their newest song, "Too Big To Fail", offers not only some funny lyrics, but some apt social commentary of the times. Pass it on.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
American Vs. Japanese Management Styles
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have acanoe race on the Missouri river. Both the teams practicedhard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards the American team became very discouraged and
morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed.They investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1
person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid
them incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the
rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized
to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents
and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with
meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this
quality program".
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
Traffic Rules For The State Of Michigan
Basic rules for driving in Michigan:
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Michigan driver never uses them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you. Somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work; Michigan is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
8. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
10. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, they are only there to make Michigan look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car parked in the median.
11. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
12. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
13. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Michigan driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
14. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Michigan.
15. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
16. Everybody thinks his vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup-truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo.
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Michigan is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to MDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
18. It is traditional in Michigan to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
21. Remember that the goal of every Michigan driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
22. Real Michigan women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
23. Real Michigan men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75 miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
24. Heavy snow, ice, fogs, and rains are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural-selection process for body shops, junkyards, and salespeople.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Funny T-Shirt Sayings Part 1
T - SHIRT SLOGANS
1. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. (seen on Cape Cod)
2. That's It! I'm Calling Grandma! (seen on an 8 year old)
3. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
4. Procrastinate Now.
5. Rehab Is for Quitters.
6. My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
7. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries with That?
8. Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (on a baby-size shirt)
9. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15.
10. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.
11. West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.
12. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
13. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN.
14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
16. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
17. POOR SPELLERS OF THE WORLD- UNTIE!
18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.
19. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
20. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
21. Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog.
22. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
23. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
24. HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
25. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
26. The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it.
27. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
28. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
29. WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
30. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
31. IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
32. Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake
33. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
34. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
35. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
36. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
37. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
38. NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room- spinning medicine.
39. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
40. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
41.Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Always Wear Long Pants To The Store
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head
The Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister, and the Jewish Rabbi on When Life Begins
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Portmanteau Words From Washington Post Readers In 2002
A selection of a few Honorable Mention entries from a 2002 Washington Post contest that asked the reader to coin "portmanteau words" by combining two words that overlap by two letters or more:
Abracadabacus: What magic bean counters use. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
Baseballoon: A coach who has "put on a few pounds" since playing in the outfield. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.)
Begetcetera: Multiple births. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Brassiereprimand: "Hey, my face is up here." (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church)
Coleslawsuit: Legal action taken without a shred of evidence. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Communiqueserasera: An unimportant message. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Courtshipwreck: A dating error so disastrous it ends a relationship. Example: Sleeping with her sister. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Ethiccup: A brief, involuntary suspension of one's moral principles. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Foxymoron: A perfect 10 in looks and IQ. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Frigidiot: Those shirtless guys at January football games. (Jimmy LaCaria, Watertown, N.Y.)
Hemperor: A drug kingpin. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Internetherworld: Where failed dot-coms go. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Kimchihuahua: Asian food made with secret special ingredients. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Leotarp: Plus-size workout wear. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Moulin Rouget's Thesaurus: A compendium of related words about truth, beauty, freedom but, above all, love. (David E. Romm, Minneapolis)
Necromantic: When you slip a ring on your lover's hand, then sacrifice a chicken so she can rise again and dance joyously with you to celebrate your eternal life together. (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)
Penultimatum: I'm going to tell you this only one more time after this . . . (Dot Yufer, Newton, W. Va.)
Pestivate: To spend the summer sponging off relatives. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Prostituition: A whorrible way to pay for college. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
Pseudonymphomaniac: Mrs. John Smith (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Punditto: Talking heads who keep agreeing with each other. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Shagrin: Regret regarding whom one has just awakened next to. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Trepanache: The ability to keep your head when someone is trying to drill holes in it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Vivacuous: Describing a cheerleader. (John R. Shea, Philadelphia)
Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
Muslimbaugh: Islam's really conservative branch. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
Abracadabacus: What magic bean counters use. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
Baseballoon: A coach who has "put on a few pounds" since playing in the outfield. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.)
Begetcetera: Multiple births. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Brassiereprimand: "Hey, my face is up here." (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church)
Coleslawsuit: Legal action taken without a shred of evidence. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Communiqueserasera: An unimportant message. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Courtshipwreck: A dating error so disastrous it ends a relationship. Example: Sleeping with her sister. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Ethiccup: A brief, involuntary suspension of one's moral principles. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Foxymoron: A perfect 10 in looks and IQ. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Frigidiot: Those shirtless guys at January football games. (Jimmy LaCaria, Watertown, N.Y.)
Hemperor: A drug kingpin. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Internetherworld: Where failed dot-coms go. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Kimchihuahua: Asian food made with secret special ingredients. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Leotarp: Plus-size workout wear. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Moulin Rouget's Thesaurus: A compendium of related words about truth, beauty, freedom but, above all, love. (David E. Romm, Minneapolis)
Necromantic: When you slip a ring on your lover's hand, then sacrifice a chicken so she can rise again and dance joyously with you to celebrate your eternal life together. (Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)
Penultimatum: I'm going to tell you this only one more time after this . . . (Dot Yufer, Newton, W. Va.)
Pestivate: To spend the summer sponging off relatives. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Prostituition: A whorrible way to pay for college. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
Pseudonymphomaniac: Mrs. John Smith (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Punditto: Talking heads who keep agreeing with each other. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Shagrin: Regret regarding whom one has just awakened next to. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Trepanache: The ability to keep your head when someone is trying to drill holes in it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Vivacuous: Describing a cheerleader. (John R. Shea, Philadelphia)
Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
The Right Organ Player At The Right Time
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
Feel Like A Woman
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One womanin particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous. Tall, built, long, flowing black hair and jet blackeyes. He walks slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt....
............one button at a time.
............No one moves.
............He removes his shirt.
............Muscles ripple across his chest,
as he reaches her, extending the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman;
............he whispers:
..........."Iron this."
The Two Stoners And The Judge
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time." "I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were back in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." Said the first young MAN. The Judge smiled and said, "17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" The first young MAN held up a card and said, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
"...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable!" said the judge. "The case against you is dismissed."
To the second young MAN the judge said, "And son, how did you do?" The second boy perked up and said, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever".
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" The judge questioned.
The second young MAN held up his card, and said, "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles...
o O
"...and said (pointing to the small circle) 'this is your asshole before prison..."
Viagra Comes In A New Form
Pfizer recently announced that Viagra would be available in liquid form.It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
How To Shut Up Needling In-Laws
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Texas Heimlich Maneuver
Two Texans were seated at a bar when a woman seated a few stools down started to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.
One said to the other, "that there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "do you think we should go help?" "
You bet," said the first and with that he ran over and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He said, " can you speak?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, he coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great
relief.
Back to his friend, the first Texan said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works."
One said to the other, "that there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "do you think we should go help?" "
You bet," said the first and with that he ran over and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He said, " can you speak?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, he coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great
relief.
Back to his friend, the first Texan said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works."
Top Ten Sayings At The Office Which Sound Dirty
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!!
Top Ten Sayings In Golf Which Sound Dirty
10. Damn...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Top Ten Sayings In The Law Profession Which Sound Dirty
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Quotes from Court Rooms
◦Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
◦Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
◦Witness: "By death."
◦Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
◦Witness: "July 15th."
◦Lawyer: "What year?"
◦Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
◦Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
◦Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
◦Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
◦Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
◦Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
◦Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
◦Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
◦Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
◦Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
◦Witness: "I forget."
◦Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
◦Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
◦Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
◦Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
◦Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
◦Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
◦Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
◦Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
◦Witness: "After the accident?"
◦Lawyer: "Before the accident."
◦Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
◦Witness: "Yes, sir."
◦Lawyer: "What did she say?"
◦Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
◦Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
◦Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
◦Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
◦Officer: "Yes, I do."
◦Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
◦Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What happened then?"
◦Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
◦Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
◦Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
◦Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
◦Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
◦Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
◦Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
◦Witness: "That's me."
◦Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
◦Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
◦Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
◦Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
◦Witness: "None."
◦Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
◦Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
◦Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
◦Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
◦Witness: "Borofkin."
◦Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
◦Witness: "I can't remember."
◦Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
◦Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
◦Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
◦Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
◦Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
◦Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
◦Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Are you married?"
◦Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
◦Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
◦Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
◦Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
◦Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
◦Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
◦Witness: "Yes sir."
◦Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
◦Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
◦Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
◦Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
◦Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
◦Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
◦Lawyer: "How old are you?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
◦Witness: "She is my daughter."
◦Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
◦Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
◦Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
◦Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
◦Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
◦Lawyer: "It was covered?"
◦Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
◦Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
◦Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
◦Witness: "I could see his head."
◦Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
◦Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
◦Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
◦Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
◦Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
◦Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
◦Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
◦Witness: "By death."
◦Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
◦Witness: "July 15th."
◦Lawyer: "What year?"
◦Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
◦Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
◦Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
◦Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
◦Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
◦Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
◦Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
◦Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
◦Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
◦Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
◦Witness: "I forget."
◦Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
◦Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
◦Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
◦Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
◦Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
◦Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
◦Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
◦Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
◦Witness: "After the accident?"
◦Lawyer: "Before the accident."
◦Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
◦Witness: "Yes, sir."
◦Lawyer: "What did she say?"
◦Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
◦Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
◦Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
◦Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
◦Officer: "Yes, I do."
◦Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
◦Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What happened then?"
◦Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
◦Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
◦Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
◦Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
◦Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
◦Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
◦Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
◦Witness: "That's me."
◦Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
◦Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
◦Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
◦Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
◦Witness: "None."
◦Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
◦Witness: "Yes."
◦Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
◦Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
◦Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
◦Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
◦Witness: "Borofkin."
◦Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
◦Witness: "I can't remember."
◦Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
◦Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
◦Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
◦Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
◦Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
◦Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
◦Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Are you married?"
◦Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
◦Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
◦Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
◦Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
◦Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
◦Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
◦Witness: "Yes sir."
◦Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
◦Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
◦Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
◦Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
◦Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
◦Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
◦Lawyer: "How old are you?"
◦Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
◦Witness: "She is my daughter."
◦Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
◦Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
◦Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
◦Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
◦Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
◦Lawyer: "It was covered?"
◦Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
◦Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
◦Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
◦Witness: "I could see his head."
◦Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
◦Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
◦Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
◦Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
◦Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
◦Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
◦Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Jon Stewart: Congratulations America, Scott Brown Is Your 45th President!
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| ||||
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Jon Stewart Roasts Glenn Beck's CPAC Performance
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Rage Within the Machine - Progressivism | ||||
| ||||
Classes for Men at the Local Learning Center for Adults
Sign up by April 1, 2010
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of only 8 participants.
TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group practice.
TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on video.
TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Helpline support and support groups.
TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT WHILE SHE PARALLEL PARKS.
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Online class and role playing.
TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of only 8 participants.
TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group practice.
TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on video.
TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Helpline support and support groups.
TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT WHILE SHE PARALLEL PARKS.
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Online class and role playing.
TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Where Do Men Go When They Are In The Doghouse?
Where do men go when they are in the dog house because of something stupid they did to their wives or girlfriends?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sinbad: One Good Person
| Jokes.com | ||||
| ||||
He Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock N' Roll
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)