The Scotsman And His First Baseball Game

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a line drive over the shortstop's head and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

The Onion: Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney's Funeral

Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney's Funeral

How Ted Got Revenge On The Town Gossip

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence..

However, she mad a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic and mingling with prostitutes after she saw his pickup truck in front of the town's only bar and known for loose women.

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all evening

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas

Australian Personal Ad

An ad found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals Section. This is good! I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted: A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me at......

Mechanic Is Lucky To Have Walked Out From Under Failing Garage Lift

The Musical Octupus And The Bagpipes

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then Jim, a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off".

Gas Can Fill Up And The Oblivious Car Owner or "Who stole my car?"

Was That One Word Or Two?

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

Food Court Flash Mob Sings Mendel's "Hallelujah Chorus" from "The Messiah"

I still remember the singing in the church where I was brought up. Our choir could have never pulled this off. This sounds like Mormon Tabernacle Choir quality. The high notes will give you goose bumps. As an Atheist and music lover, I pass this on to my friends, especially those who are Christians and music lovers. Enjoy.

Kevin Hart Delivers Some Words From His Mother To His Elementary School Teacher

In the comedy circuit, there's a lot of buzz about Kevin Hart, that he might be the next Chris Rock. Here's a funny segment where Kevin describes his relation with his Mom who told him to deliver a short two curse word message to his teacher after the teacher had sent home a message stapled to Kevin's chest addressed to his mom which said, "Maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn't be a fool at school." What happens next with Kevin's hot headed mother, the message she told him to deliver back to the teacher, and how it went down will make you laugh:

One Man, A Snow Shovel, And His Maze of Bewildered Pedestrians