Saturday, April 11, 2009
Amish And An Elevator
An Amish boy and his father visited a mall one day and were intrigued by many of the strange things they saw...Especially the two silver doors that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked "What is that father?"
The father responded, "Son, I do not know, I have never seen anything like that in my life."
While they watched in amazement, a very homely old lady hobbled up to the silver walls and pushed the button. The walls opened and she went into the small room and the doors closed.
They watched the little circular numbers light-up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally, the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 25-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...."go get your mother."
The boy asked "What is that father?"
The father responded, "Son, I do not know, I have never seen anything like that in my life."
While they watched in amazement, a very homely old lady hobbled up to the silver walls and pushed the button. The walls opened and she went into the small room and the doors closed.
They watched the little circular numbers light-up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally, the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 25-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...."go get your mother."
Who Would Shakespeare Kill First?
A local United Way office realized that it had never received
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?!?"
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?!?"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Bumper Stickers
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Things A Southerner Would Never Say Or Think
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college or NFL team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that chicken to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on the C drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
You All.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college or NFL team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that chicken to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on the C drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
You All.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Antwerp's Central Train Station Serves As Biggest Musical Stage Ever
How cool is this? The people behind this, the people who witnessed it, created an artistic experience which no one will ever forget . . . Be sure to click on the HD selector:
Sunday, April 5, 2009
There's No Satisfying A Woman
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what
you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it
long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men
here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still
two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here
have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are
going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to
please a woman."
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what
you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it
long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men
here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still
two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here
have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are
going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to
please a woman."
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