Things A Southerner Would Never Say Or Think

She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college or NFL team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

Duct tape won't fix that.

Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

You can't feed that chicken to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on the C drive.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Wrestling's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

You All.