1.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
20 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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