On Love and Marriage

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.

Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

My grandson asked me if I still look at young women, I said yes, but I can't remember why.

Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. 

When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! - Fabulous Furry Freak Bros 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. 

Titanic is the greatest love story ever?? Rich girl meets poor boy, poor boy draws rich girl, boat sinks, poor boy dies, rich girl lives to 150.

A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers. 

Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of. 

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener 

Marriage: An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free. 

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. 

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. 

Absence makes the heart go wander. 

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends. 

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 

If a man makes a statement in the forest and there isn't a women around to hear him, is he still wrong? 

Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so sex is in!

Love is like a handfull of sand, the harder you hold on to it, the more it slips away.

There's 2 rules to life; Rule 1 Don't sweat the small stuff. Rule 2 It's all small stuff.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette 

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry 

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman 

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe - Jackie Mason 

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner 

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West 

Women's breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They're meant for kids, but usually it's the fathers who wind up playin' with them.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

The morning I don't eat, I think about you. At noon I don't eat, I think about you. In the evening I don't eat, I think about you. During the night, I don't sleep - I'm hungry !

Choose your love wisely. Love your choice always.

Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he will have to touch it to be sure. 

Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.

I'm the man in this house so I always get the last word -"Yes, dear" 

La plus belle fleur du monde perdra un jour de sa couleur mais l'amour sincere resplendira toujours. 

We slip and slide when we fall in love and we just can't seem to get enough... - Depeche Mode

Love is a many splintered thing.

Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 


What is a true lovers kiss? Like the lick of a flame.

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Infatuation is the state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind. 

The 3 stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly.

By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying - Lady make note of this: One of you is lying. - Dorothy Parker "Unfortunate Coincidence"

Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever.

Men are from Earth; Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

"I like frogs, and their outlook, and the way they get together in wet places on warm nights and sing about sex." --overheard at the New England Aquarium 

Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain't.

I like two things stiff in life and one of them is jello. - Mae West

In my house I am king, and my law is that whatever my wife says shall be done.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."

"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've been in that phone booth for twenty minutes and didn't say a word!" "Sir, I'm talking to my wife."

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. 

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. 

Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you. 

The longer you wait, the better the date. 

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing. 

Sex is like a pizza... when it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's still pretty good! 

Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one. 

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. 

Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along. 

We like because, we love although.

It is better to give a rock out of love than a diamond out of duty.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? 

Marriage is Grand, Divorce is twenty Grand. 

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people. 

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -Marie Corelli