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Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Colbert Remembering Remembering Michael Jackson
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”
7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”
7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Mistaken Intentions
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her
neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband
made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck
and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to
have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do
don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years & he wasn't kissing my neck ..... he was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline
in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you."
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her
neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband
made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck
and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to
have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do
don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years & he wasn't kissing my neck ..... he was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline
in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Name Your Kind Of Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,"it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,"it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
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