Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Was That One Word Or Two?
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Asking The Lord's Forgiveness
One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed
forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and
stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who
picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's
forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young
sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my
penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old
drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's
right momma, f*ck 'em all."
forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and
stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who
picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's
forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young
sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my
penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old
drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's
right momma, f*ck 'em all."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Name Your Kind Of Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,"it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,"it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the
cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found
the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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