Saturday, April 11, 2009
Amish And An Elevator
An Amish boy and his father visited a mall one day and were intrigued by many of the strange things they saw...Especially the two silver doors that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked "What is that father?"
The father responded, "Son, I do not know, I have never seen anything like that in my life."
While they watched in amazement, a very homely old lady hobbled up to the silver walls and pushed the button. The walls opened and she went into the small room and the doors closed.
They watched the little circular numbers light-up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally, the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 25-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...."go get your mother."
The boy asked "What is that father?"
The father responded, "Son, I do not know, I have never seen anything like that in my life."
While they watched in amazement, a very homely old lady hobbled up to the silver walls and pushed the button. The walls opened and she went into the small room and the doors closed.
They watched the little circular numbers light-up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally, the silver walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 25-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...."go get your mother."
Who Would Shakespeare Kill First?
A local United Way office realized that it had never received
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?!?"
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?!?"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Bumper Stickers
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
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